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This article originally appeared in the November issue of The Bridge , the parish newsletter of Trinity Church - St. Paul's Chapel.

By Wendy Stoddard

J is an African American woman in her mid 40’s. She weighs about 95 lbs–her body ravaged by crack cocaine and an untreated illness that will probably end her life. She is hostile, endearing, verbally abusive, sensitive, observant and self destructive. She cannot – or will not – reveal much of her personal history to anyone. She consistently refuses all services.

When not incarcerated, which is about every other month, J stays at John Heuss House. Like many others at the drop-in center, she is someone who falls through the cracks. There are so many things “wrong” with her that no single agency is equipped to take on the whole package. She remains adrift in the city, cycling from the street to jail and back again.

J often speaks of finding her parents as a kind of “final act” which will put everything right in her life. As far as I can tell, the existence of a loving mother and father in J’s life is a fantasy - or a delusion.

As J’s caseworker I take her to the check-cashing store (if she’s not in jail) so we can buy her cigarettes, metro-cards, a few items of clothing – J is not extravagant. Once, as we waited for the cashier to process the check, J put her arm around me, put her face next to mine and smiled into the ID camera so it would capture the two of us together. For a moment it felt as if we were sisters or girlfriends out on a spree.

There is very little that I have been able to do for J. But such moments - when she is willing to engage in playful relationship, perhaps tasting the sense of family she seeks - for now, these have to be enough.

Wendy Stoddard was Director of Social Services at John Heuss House for the past 8 years. Wendy wrote this column before leaving Trinity to care for her ailing mother.We wish Wendy and her family the best.

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