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This article appears in the Lenten Wilderness issue of Trinity News , the magazine of Trinity Church-St. Paul's Chapel.

Leaving aside “What would Jesus do?” for the moment, dare we ask, “Was Jesus a good communicator?” Managing Editor Nicole Seiferth did. Looking for tips that might help us all through the wilderness of understanding others and making our own views clear at church, work, and home, she spoke with Susan Gilmore , a communication and conflict resolution expert. Gilmore works with children as young as 18 months and adults as enmeshed in conflict as members of the Irish Republican Army, on their communications skills.

Nicole Seiferth: What constitutes good communication between people?
Susan Gilmore: People need to truly listen to one another. That means not just as a jumping- off place to make their own point or to take the conversation where they want it to go, but to truly receive as a gift from one another what is being offered. The skill I use to describe that is paraphrasing. Without a formulaic phrase like “what you are saying is…” paraphrasing is repeating in your words, as briefly as you can, the picture in your head from what the person has said.

NS: Where does communication most commonly break down?
SG: The biggest breakdown, I think, is in lack of intentionality. People are patient with somebody who is honestly trying. The intention is clear, they are trying to understand. But the biggest breakdown is in lack of ownership over intentionality.
Being intentional and purposive in communication I think is very, very important. You have to ask yourself in depth: “What is the purpose of what I am saying here?” A purpose statement is what your intention is, the direction you are trying to take things. You share that, you make clear, you disclose. No hidden agenda.

NS: What are the consequences?
SG: In a work situation where people don't just fly off the handle with one another, it will be more subtle and sometimes produces a passive-agressive response. So it becomes dishonest, destructive, but still has the appearance of civility. In a domestic situation, it may erupt into outright conflict and confrontation almost instantly. People are outraged at the motivation they perceive on the other’s part. The other person’s part is either diminishing them, putting them down, questioning their veracity — a long list of things that we object to that somebody else is implying.

NS: On the flip side, tell me about the effects of good communication.
SG: People are clear about their purposes. Conversations go more smoothly. People feel honored, respected, received. They share things that are of greater interest and depth. They talk more closely to their values. They don’t just say superficial things. An interesting story begins to touch the value, the rock-solid value underpinnings, that make this story important. You get closer in touch with that. Conflicts can be reduced. In the business world, people argue a lot over how to do something when they have not agreed on why they are doing it at all. So they argue about how to before they agree on what for. Once they agree on the purpose and the destination, then how to get there is simple.

NS: How do you see communication change for people from home to work to church?
SG: I think the greatest civility is in the workplace where we have all kinds of laws now about harassment. People are a little more sensitive and careful about what they say in the workplace. Sometimes that is to a fault and we don’t surface conflict that should be surfaced and resolved. It is the least explosive, the most contained.
I think people feel so strongly in the church and the home. They take greater liberties in what they say and are certainly less Christ-like, less loving to one another, because of not being clear about their purposes and not listening to one another. It’s not having a clear picture of the impact they are having and taking responsibility for it.

NS: Was Jesus a good communicator?
SG: I think Jesus was a very effective communicator. First and foremost, he was a wonderful storyteller. This is something I think should be taught in every curriculum and in every household. Hopefully, families tell stories about things they saw and heard that were pleasing and positive, and things with which they are struggling. Every outstanding leader is a fine storyteller.
Jesus, with the parables, is one of the finest storytellers. There were times when I think he was more sarcastic than people recognized, but it was with clear intentionality. He wasn’t just randomly, nastily sarcastic. Like with the woman at the well where he basically said, “So where is your husband, honey?”, knowing full well that she didn’t have a husband.
I believe Christ was very in command of his communication. He was up-ending when he intended to be, he was sarcastic when he intended to be, and he was supportive and encouraging when he intended to be. He was highly intentional about his communication.

NS: Why is communication important?
SG: It’s impossible not to communicate. We are communicating with each other all the time. Language can make that increasingly precise so that exactly the message that we want to communicate is what we communicate. Humans could be supremely understanding of one another if they exchanged accurate information.

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A Trinity News Companion

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